Fear, Commitment and Loosing Yourself

We all know that at the depth of the Great Depression, Franklin Roosevelt in his inaugural address stated, “the only thing we have to fear…is fear itself.” But what was FDR really trying to say to the depressed and disillusioned masses that had lost everything? Simply, that fear was just a feeling, an emotion and a state of mind that did not have to take over and consume every part of people’s lives. In effect, it’s just a word, like other words, but at the height of despair and ruin, people had given in to it. Millions had given in to a simple “word”.  What fear really does, if we let that “word” take over our minds and allow it to consume us, is to push us to the point where we end up losing ourselves. We start thinking we are something we are not and ultimately let fear drive every action we take, sometimes with awful results.

Yes, we all have fears. Many of us have a fear of flying, fear of dying and fear of snakes and spiders. But what about the fear of making a real commitment? Many relationships break down because one or the other partner has given in to their fear of being committed to someone else simply because they fear they might “loose” a part of themselves.  Often, these individuals let their fear take over and never even give the relationship a chance to grow and thrive. Their fear of losing something, anything of themselves, as unrealistic as it may be, stamps out the flame of happiness and contentment before it’s even had a chance to burn brightly. Imagine what they have lost by letting a simple word – fear – drive their actions. Not only have they lost the opportunity to self evolve in concert with another human being they may actually love, but they have lost the opportunity to evolve and grow themselves into a life of contentment and freedom from “fear”. For these individuals, the only thing they then have to fear…is themselves.

Giving and Taking - It’s All about Balance

I’ve been told over and over that I’m a “giver” in my life. That’s probably true. I love to give of myself, give to others and donate to causes I believe passionately about. But I also enjoy giving to those I love and care about too. In that is the issue. I’ve always given so much, without asking for anything in return, that I end up getting disappointed and hurt. The cause of this discord is that unconscious and unrealistic expectations are created. Our human nature causes us to think that “if you give, you shall also receive”, but the reality is that this almost never occurs. So many of us, myself included who are givers end up waiting for a return that doesn’t equal what we give out. We become disillusioned, disappointed and discouraged. If we let this go on long enough, we become hurt and unhappy with ourselves, even to the point that we feel that the problem is with “me”. At its worse, this spiraling downward and inward ends up becoming self-destructive to the point that we stop giving to the most important person who matters – ourselves.

To begin mastering the art of self-evolution, we (and I) need to take a step back and look at reality. The reality is that a happy, healthy life is all about balance. As a “giver”, we need to know that some people are truly “takers” and will take from us all we have if we let them. It becomes our own choice to let that happen or not. To evolve, we as givers who are seeking and needing balance need to seek out others who are also seeking and needing balance. We then need to open up a questioning dialogue between ourselves and listen to each other. We need to reach a point where we seek mutual understanding about what we need to give and what we need to take. In essence, each of us needs to find a proper balance. Finding this balance is not always easy or comfortable, but it will help each of us grow and evolve. In the end, happiness and contentment can and will come from achieving this simple balance between giving and taking in our lives, but only if we open up to it. 

Want to Succeed? Try A New Formula

One of the keys to success and happiness in life is realizing that using the same formula for the way you live your life just might be failing. Whether it’s sticking with a not-so-happy situation just because it’s “comfortable”, hanging with friends who always get you in trouble because they "like me", or staying with an addiction because it “feels good”, haven't you noticed the end result is always the same? I'll bet you feel depressed and end up in a state of despair and discontentment. You probably have even asked yourself, “how do I get off this crazy roller coaster?”  Actually, the answer is quite simple. Take a hint from the process of self-evolution. Sit down and seriously question each situation. Don't let others influence you and don’t back down from what you see. Open your self to every new opportunity to all of the challenges you face. Allow yourself the opportunity to define these opportunities and look at them for how they will allow you to move forward in life. Remember, you don’t need anyone else’s permission or input to succeed other than your own. So go ahead, use a new life-formula, use the courage you know you have and give yourself permission to succeed and continue on your journey of self-evolution.

(with thanks to Michael Butler, Sr. for prompting this entry out of me!)

You, Success, and Happiness

Today's Thought: There is only one success--to be able to spend your life in your own way. - Christopher Morley


Mastering the Art of Self-Evolution Insight: Success is a personal judgment - your own judgment. All too many of us spend much our lives trying to meet the expectations of others. In doing so, we end up working in desperate circles to become someone we ultimately didn't want to be to begin with. Imagine all of that effort and time wasted, just to look at yourself and see someone you don't like anyway. To self-evolve, you need to look inward and seek to understand, realize and accept your own abilities. Only then can you create expectations of success on your OWN terms. 
You can start today by creating a list of your own personal success factors. This will be your  Personal Success Factor Guide-map or PSFMap for short. Take a few moments now and list out things that would complete the sentence, "I know I am successful when...." keeping in mind to be positive and genuine with yourself, but also making sure what you list are things you know you can realistically achieve. After all, it's all about YOU! 
Visit your PSFMap each day and spend some time during your day working on at least one success factor. Each hour you spend becomes valuable time in your journey of self-evolution to achieving success and happiness on your OWN terms and being the person you want to be. 

Don't Change - Self-Evolve!

How many times in your life have you been told you should ‘change’ something or another about you? Maybe it was the way you act or the way you work that you were told to change. Or maybe it was even the way you think that you should ‘change.’  Do you remember your reaction to this outside encroachment on your personal being? Did it make you change or did it make you merely alter the next action and your reaction to it? In the end, did anything really ‘change’ about you? I would bet it didn’t. But if you had approached the situation as an opportunity to review and alter your process of reacting, you would have opened the door to “self-evolution.”

Henry Ford once said, “One who fears failure limits his activities. Failure is only the opportunity to more intelligently begin again.” We should all see our failures, no matter how small or how large, as the challenges of life from which we can turn into great opportunities. The key to doing this lies in our ability to recognize every challenge, every failure, indeed every interaction in life as an opportunity for us to evolve our way of thinking, our way of acting and our way of being.  It is a natural human tendency to question everything. We do it every minute of every day with everything we see, hear, smell, touch and think. The answers we derive from these questions then direct how we react. We question the actions that come from our reactions and the cycle starts again.

Like you, I have encountered great challenges on the journey of my life. I question what is happening and then react. When my questioning has been focused on everything except the reasons why I let the challenge affect me directly, I ended up reacting in such a way that the challenge reappeared, often with dire consequences. In those instances, I had failed to question fully and failed to learn from the challenge. However, when I questioned much more deeply and focused on why the challenge affected me directly, I ended up questioning my initial actions and reactions. It was in this act of questioning my own way of questioning that I realized what I needed to know.  I stopped becoming a passive and reactive questioner and started becoming an active and proactive questioner of myself. 

None of us likes ‘change’ because it means that we may have to do something or become someone we inherently are not comfortable with. That’s a very natural reaction.  In fact, Morris Massey in his What You Are Is Where You Were When series very correctly shows that by age 21, our values are ‘locked-in’ and become very difficult to change. He goes on to say that only through a ‘significant emotional event’ can we alter our way of thinking and acting. Yet, I believe we can do this every minute of every day. I believe we can ‘self-evolve’ by making every challenge, every failure, every question presented to us as an opportunity to be a better, more content and happy person leading a fulfilling life. That’s what my blog, dedicated to my thoughts surrounding "Mastering the Art of Self-Evolution", is founded upon. This is my opportunity to share my experiences, actions, reactions and questions, both good and bad, to those challenges of life which have caused me to ‘self-evolve’ and ultimately seek out those opportunities which can lead to ultimate personal satisfaction and happiness.

I invite you to join me on this journey and share your own experiences. Let’s question each other and ourselves. In the end, I believe our own personal self-evolutions will collectively help lift the whole of society to a better future.